


Shits and Giggles

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Crack, Do-Over, Draco is going to ask a lot of questions, Fate & Destiny, Funny, Harry dances, Humor, Master of Death Harry Potter, Orphan Harry Potter, Other, Sassy, Slytherin Harry Potter, Wool's Orphanage (Harry Potter), crack verse, everyone likes making fun of old dumbles, fate and harry are besties, go harry, neville is confused, orphans love harry!, woop woop, yaaas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27271726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dumbledore needed to pay. Dumbledore, who had ruined his life in so many resurrections. But no, he wouldn't kill him, he'd do something so much worse. He'd ruin his plans. By going back, being the boy who lived, and scaring the living shit out of him, Harry would get the best revenge. And if anyone asked, well, he could say it was all for shits and giggles.NOT A DARK!HARRY FIC.WILL BE RE-WRITTEN AFTER COMPLETION
Relationships: Death/Harry Potter
Comments: 102
Kudos: 382





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this a crackfic and I just started it- the chapters are going to be considerably small, at least until I finish this and re-group everything. I hope you enjoy the little itty bitty start I have provided.

“Aah yes, harry potter, dead once more” Death bowed and gave a sigh, “what is it now?”

Harry grinned and playfully gasped. “Me, want anything from you?”

Death rolled his eyes. “Get a move on, I have a pedicure at 6 and I don’t want to miss it.”

“Okay fine-” said Harry “Instead of a new life, I would like to repeat one of my old ones.” Harry batted his eyelashes. “Is that acceptable oh Deathy poo?” 

“And what-” asked Death, rubbing his temples, “is the reason for this requested?”

Harry nodded reassuringly, “It’s a very serious reason indeed, rest assured” he consoled. “Very, very, necessary, definitely needed-”

“Potter-”

“Wait, I am not done.” Harry interrupted, “my official reason shall hereby be stated as-”

Death tried hard not to strangle the boy, but sometimes it was just too much, sometimes-

“Shits and giggles.”

“You know what!” said Death, “yes, fine, whatever, just go away!”

“But wait,” declared a grinning harry, pirouetting across the large black room “What about my boon?”

“I, death, hereby give you the boon of extreme magical power and remarkably realistic acting” granted death impatiently. 

Harry nudged him on, winking.

“And you can remember everything, Happy now!?”

“Very-” the boy said, and grinned “I am satisfied thank-”

With a ‘pop’ the boy was gone.  
‘Good riddance’ thought Death ‘i swear if I wasn’t immortal, that kid would’ve killed me already’


	2. Chapter 2

“Lily- it's him, take harry and go!” 

“James!”

“Lily, go, I’ll hold him off.”

Harry gurgled in sadness. He didn’t want his parents to die. Okay, fine, he did want to be the boy who lived again, but really, how was a boy to chose. Anyway, he didn’t have many options because Voldemort had killed his father and was coming up to kill him. 

“Move aside you silly girl!”

“Not harry- take me- don’t take harry!”

“Avada Kedavra!”

A burst of green light flashed from Voldemorts wand and hit lily potter. She slumped over, killed.

Harry watched, void of emotion as Voldemort sauntered up to him. 

“Avada Kedavra!”

The spell hit harry in the forehead and rebounded. In the split-second until the curse found its new victim (one lord Voldemort) Harry did something gutsy. He middle fingered the dark lord.

"oh snap!" yelled death


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to the orphanage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this fic! Just wanted to let you know I am in need of a Beta for this story!

Baby harry sat on the doorstep of number 4 privet drive. He was tired out of his tiny baby mind. Who knew being smart in a child’s body could be so exhausting. Quietly, he glanced around, making sure Dumbledore was gone. 

Slowly, he let a feral grin inch onto his face. Oh, this was going to be good. Harry got up, dusted himself off, and promptly apparated, the explanation letter, basket, and blanket gripped in his small hand.  
His lungs constricted for a moment, before leaving him at his new destination with a small ‘pop’. Now, harry was outside a small orphanage. It was dreary, cold, and made of a material that seemed to be slowly disintegrating. The sign in front of the doors looked old and worn. Harry could barely make out the letters. Squinting, he managed to read the sign. ‘Wools Orphanage’, it said. 

Harry promptly looked down at the letter still in his hand and lit it on fire. The bluebell flames burned the parchment, letting the ash tickle his skin. After the parchment had been cremated the flames disappeared. Satisfied, harry layed the basket and blanket down on the doorstep. Quickly, he snuggled into the small piece of warmth, letting it melt the ice feeling laying on his skin.

Once he was comfortable harry flicked his hand once letting the knocker bang on the wooden door. 

The entrance creaked open and an old lady walked out. 

“Oh, a child this sweet needs to come inside,” the older woman cooed, bringing in the baby. 

Harry gurgled happily. It was only when he was tucked into a small bed that he started to laugh maniacally. Nobody in the wizarding world could sleep that night, not even death.

‘Godammit’ Death thought, ‘What has that child done now?’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is best served cold- especially when you have an orphanage to bend to your will.

He had ten minutes until he was eleven. 10 minutes to the marking of his birthday. 10 minutes until he would see dumbledore and set his plan into action. 10 minutes until the eleventh year of his stay at the orphanage. 

He knew that, unlike tom, the orphans would be sad to see him go. They worshipped him. It seemed a little bit of extra attention could go a long way. He was not a freak, as he had originally expected, but a known charmer, able to bring welldoers whatever they pleased. He was known to have gained favor with the staff, and, in turn, have gained leeway with the bullies of the orphanage. One by one he would eradicate the torturers in peculiar ways. There was one whose pet had gone missing, another who had to be relocated because of a venomous snake bite. The rest of the orphanage were followers, and they didn’t care about how he did such feats, only that he could.

Soon, he had become king of the orphanage and now the orphanage was quite a pleasant stay. In fact, it had lead to all sorts of ideas on how to get Dumbledore’s knickers in a twist. He knew that the old man wouldn’t know what hit him. 

Revenge was best served cold. Especially when you’d had centuries to mull it over.

“MOOOHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!”

Death shivered in his blanket. Honestly, he was just glad he was not the source of the boy’s attention.


	5. Dumbledore and Ms. Anley interchanging P.O.V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry sets a plan up for greatness-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has shown support for this story! Stay safe!

How could he have lost him? How could he have lost the boy who lived? HOW COULD HE HAVE LOST THE BOY WHO LIVED TO THE SAME ORPHANAGE TOM GREW UP IN. HOW-

"Excuse me, sir, is there anything you need?"

Dumbledore blinked and his surroundings came into light once more. The young woman looked slightly amused and worried at his expression.

"Aah, yes, I am in need of a-" dumbledore looked down to the information sheet on the paper ('I swear these things get harder to read each passing decade' he thought), "Ms. Anly?.

"Just a moment sir-" the young woman said politely. She pulled a cellphone from her pocket and unlocked it.

"Those haven't been invented yet.." Dumbledore said (calmly). The lady just laughed.

"Invented? Do you think this place makes sense? This orphanage is an entire exception to the universe!" (later she congratulated herself on such a realistic performance; Harry would be so proud!)

Dumbledore blinked. "Alright- is Ms. Anly here yet?" he asked.

"Just a mo'" the lady assured. Sure enough, one minute later, the manager of the orphanage (Ms. Anly) came down. She was wearing a white collared shirt and a pair of jeans.  
"Hello, sir! Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Ahh yes," said Dumbledore, "I am here to offer young harry potter a scholarship,"

The lady raised an eyebrow. "Well come on then," she said, ushering him up the stairs and into her office. The headmaster sat down and waited for Ms. Anly to do the same. A moment later, both were sitting parallel to each other.

"Are you family?" she asked, looking suspiciously at him. (Harry had warned her of a teacher coming that day and how she should avoid drinking or looking at anything he put under her nose.)

"No, I am a teacher," Dumbledore replied, feeling an icy chill go down his back, something was not right here.

(Later Harry and his best forever friend Fate would high-five and laugh at how perfectly the effects went.)

"I am here to offer Harry a place at my school" Dumbledore continued,-he didn't know why he was using the same words as with Mrs cole about tom riddle, but they seemed to be coming straight from his subconscious and out his mouth. (Fate cheered and conjured up a chalkboard; Fate & Harry: 1, Dumbledork:0)

"What school is this then?" asked Ms. Annly, who reckoned she was playing her part as perfectly well, thank you very much.

"It is called Hogwarts," explained Dumbledore, he opened his mouth to say more but was interrupted.

"And how come you're interested in Harry?"

"We believe he has the qualities we are looking for," Dumbledore said.

"You mean he's won a scholarship?" Ms. Anley pestered.

"Well, his name has been down since birth-"

"But who registered him, his Parents?"  
There was no doubt that Ms. Anley was an un-conveniently sharp woman. Fortunately, Dumbledore knew just what to do. He slipped his wand out of his suit and picked up a piece of blank paper (He was not comfortable with the parallels with Tom's invite but what was he to do?)

She looked to the right of the paper (like Harry instructed) and pretended to have been brainwashed.

"Everything seems to be in order." She said placidly, sliding the paper slip back (to Mr. Dumbarton was it?).

"Now-" said Dumbledore, eager to just get over the inevitable and hear of whatever escapades Harry'd had in the orphanage, "Can you tell me about harry?".

"He's a funny boy-" Ms. Annley said, eying the door.

"Yes," said Dumbledore, "I thought he might be.."

(Nostalgia and Fate fist-bumped, this was going to be awesome! Harry would be so proud.)

"He was a funny baby, too, he hardly ever cried, you know, and then when he got older, he was a bit odd.." (This was not the truth, of course, Harry was a wonderful boy through and through but Ms. Anley had been instructed to say as much, and she wasn't going to let her poor harry down.)

"Odd in what way?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well-" Ms. Anley cut herself off, just as Harry had instructed.

"He's definitely got a place at your school, you say?"

"Definitely,"

"And nothing I can say can change that?"

"Nothing,"

"You'll be taking him away, whatever?"

"Whatever," repeated Dumbledore gravely. (Ms. Anleys heart broke, oh how the kids, and quite honestly the staff, would miss him.)

Nevertheless, she squinted her eyes conspiratorially at the old man.

"He scares the children," She said at last (Harry had told her to say things, insisted upon it, but she still felt bad as she badmouthed her favorite ward)

"You mean he's a bully?" Dumbledore asked cautiously.

"I think he must be," said Ms. Anly, ' but it's very hard to catch him at it.."

"Oh, Merlin-" thought Dumbledore.

Up in their cloud mansion, Death, Fate, Nostalgia, and even good old Destiny cackled in anticipation at the old man. If they knew harry, and they did, he was going to give good old Dumbles the scare of his lifetime, this was going to be good.


	6. Omake 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death deals with annoying gods.

Omake 1:

Death sat by the huge screen, throwing popcorn in his mouth. Harry’s game with Dumbledore was- amusing- to say the least. Even he, death, seemed to have chuckled once or twice at the boy’s games. 

“Hey death- whatcha doing?” asked Fate, who had just walked in.

“Shush!” said Karma, who was quietly munching on snacks in the corner.

“Shut it Karma you're a bitch.” Fate said.

Karma gasped, “Well, I never-”.

“Fate where’d you go?” Destiny called, peeking through the black gate. “Oh hi!” she said when she noticed the crowd, “Whatcha doing?”

“Shush child!” said Suspense, who was playing the organ, “Harry’s pulling one over on Dumbledork- come watch!”

Destiny shrugged and conjured up a couch. Fate sat down next to her and they watched as Dumbledore’s eyes went wide.  
“I can make things move without touching them…”

“I can make animals do what I want without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me. I can make them hurt if I want to…”

“YAAAAAAAAAS!” Yelled Drama, who had appeared out of nowhere and was throwing confetti all around the room. 

“SHUSH!” yelled everyone else. 

“I wonder what the ship shall be in this story-” said romance- who had adopted a Spanish accent. 

“Get lost romance you’re unrealistic and faker than a barbie doll,” said Sass- who had come solely to insult everyone and anyone.

“OOOOH SNAAAAAP!” yelled drama.

Death sighed- it would be a long day.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry fucks with dumbledore. a bit more heavy than usual.

Dumbledore walked in. finally.

“Harry- you’ve got a visitor- '' Ms. Anley looked at Harry pointedly, “Mr. Dumberlydore- sorry- Dumbledore- He’s come to tell you- well I’ll let him do it. 

Harry grinned at the woman, a cute angelic expression upon his face. 

Then Dumbledore walked in, and the sweetness was washed off like the goopy oatmeal the matrons sometimes served. 

“How do you do Harry, I am professor, Dumbledore,” he said, holding out his hand. 

Harry looked at it in pure disgust, something that didn’t even need acting. 

“‘Professor’” repeated Harry, throwing disdain into the word. “She wants me looked at doesn’t she-” Harry glared at Dumbledore who simply smiled, though Harry detected worry in his blue eyes.

“No, no,” Dumbledore assured.

“Tell the truth.”

Dumbledore was shaken, Harry could sense it, he could smell the fear dominating the old man. 

“Who.Are.YOU” Harry asked, tilting his head slightly. 

“I have told you,” the old man responded, “I am Professor Dumbledore and I am headmaster at a school called Hogwarts.” 

Harry lept aside, the memory in the pensive clear in his mind. 

“You can't kid me!” he said, as the objects in the room began to shake, “The asylum, that's where you’re from!” 

“I am not from the asylum-” he said frantically. 

As he scrambled around, he caught dumbledore’s eye. The man began to force his way into his mind, but Harry wouldn’t have that. Instead of occluding, harry pushed into dumbledores mind instead, scavenging for every bit of information, every secret-

Boom!

Dumbledore pushed him out of his mind. That was fine, in harry’s opinion, as he knew it was best to hide the full extent of his power. But soon-- 

“Hogwarts is a school for people with special abilities,” said dumbledore a second later. “A school for Magic.” 

Harry sat up immediately, his manner changing along with his position. The boy full of hate was gone, replaced with someone more open, yet suspicious.

“Magic, that’s what I can do?” he asked.

“What can you do?”

Harry grinned internally, this was his favorite part. 

“I can make things move without touching them, I can make animals do what I want without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me. I can make them hurt if I want to…”

Now, dumbledore paled, his skin turning white as the snow that dominated the backyard of wools during the winter months. The headmaster turned to leave, clearly having had enough. 

“Hagrid will come here later and give an introduction on magic, goodbye!” he opened the door and left.

The door slammed shut, and Harry felt a pang of regret that he’d left out the fact that he possessed parseltongue. 

‘Oh well,’ he thought to himself, as he skipped to the exit, ‘il save it for next time.’


	8. Omake 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omake number 2!

Omake 2

“Hey death,” said Harry, stretching his arms as he walked through the gates.

It was common knowledge to all the entities that Harry Potter was protected by both Death (though unwilling) and Fate (who was known to give the boy a fair bit of help). Honestly, most of the entities had grown fond of him by now, as he was like the prankster of death, who they all saw as a sort of grandfather figure. Who knew why, as they were all the same age. Anyway, Harry Potter was protected from the evils than ran gates- even though sometimes death wished that he would just leave him alone, the boy was infuriating, fine he was kind of cool and amusing but-

“Hey death- are you inner monologuing again?”

Death turned to look at the boy and his frown deepened.

“No-” he grumbled, “What do you want potter?”

“Oh you know, the norm, to annoy you, freak out dumbledork, and world domination.”

Death stared.

“GET OUT!” he roared, waving his hands like a crazy person. Harry didn’t move. Death started to wail.

“Why is it always me-eeeeee?” he cried, black tears leaking from his eyes. As the blackened liquid hit the grass it started to wilt, which gave Harry an idea. With a snap of his fingers he conjured up a mason jar. Death stopped crying.

“What are you doing?” he asked dryly. Harry batted his eyelashes.

“Nothing,” he said. Then he grinned and death felt a shiver go down his spine.

“Squidlily, Neverus, Filchmione!” Harry yelled, watching gleefully as Death wailed, the killing liquid dripping into Harry's jar.

“STOP YELLING DISTURBING SHIP NAMES AT ME!”

Harry smirked. “Ok,”

Death looked at him surprised.

“Umbridge in a bikini”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squidlily= Lily Evans x Giant Squid
> 
> Neverus= Neville Longbottom x Severus Snape
> 
> Filchmione= Aurgus Filch x Hermione Granger
> 
> (disturbing, i know)


	9. Cannon Omake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an omake due to the fact it is 100% crack so enjoy! Dumbles shall be shown in the next chapter.

Harry sauntered into platform 9 3/4 s looking like he owned the place. He was wearing a leather jacket that made it look like he was straight out of a music video. 

“Hey! Have you seen a toad-”

“Shush child!” Harry said, spinning around dramatically. 

It was Neville Longbottom. 

Harry flipped his hair and winked,   
“Shall we dance?” he asked.   
Music started to play before Neville could answer. 

*cue cool music with snapping*

Harry waved his finger and Neville started to copy his moves. 

Snap  
Snap  
Snap

“What the bloody hell is happening?” the boy asked. 

The snappy music stopped abruptly and turned into something more quick-paced and traditional. 

Harry spun once, transforming his clothes, before grabbing Neville. 

They started to tango. 

They danced every move perfectly- for Harry that was due to the dancing lessons death sometimes gave, but for Neville, it was merely Harry's enchantment.

Nevertheless, the duo was creating a storm of fans. Adults and children alike cleared their way and gasped at the intense spins and twirls. 

Harry tapped his foot and red roses rained upon them. He then threw Neville into the air and twirled him above his head. The crowd screamed in amazement. Harry brought Neville to the ground, bowed, and entered the Hogwarts express, blowing kisses.

“What the bloody buggering hell?” Neville said.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry on the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay- i lied- there is no dumbledore in this chapter- sorry!

Harry sat in a random compartment on the hogwarts express. His feet were propped up on the seat beside him and he was flipping through a magazine. 

“Excuse me, have you seen a toad?” a voice asked.  
Harry turned around and snapped his fingers once, popping the magazine out of existence. He sighed a bit- he had sent the magazine to death, and it was unlikely he was going to get it back for a while. There went his crossword. 

“Excuse me,” the girl said, clearly affronted, “are you ignoring me-”

Harry flicked his wand and an invisible force pushed her out. He had learned the hard way that bossy girls were not the way to go. 

He shivered as he remembered his life as Salazar Slytherin. Rowena was not one to be messed with. 

He yawned again and started to ponder. 

‘Wow’ he thought to himself, ‘i haven't thought rationally in a while’ 

‘You really should meditate more often’ said a small harry in a toga. He was sitting on original-Harry’s right shoulder, a halo glowing above his head. 

‘No you shouldn’t!’ the newly conjured devil-harry told him, ‘don't become a sissy like this doofus’ he pointed at the angel. 

Harry conjured popcorn, eager for a fight. 

‘Who are you calling a sissy-”

“You- duh-’

‘I’ll show you a sissy-’

‘Come at me bro-’ 

‘Aaaaaahhh!!!!’

‘Aaaaaaaah!!!’ 

The two models charged and began to kick and shove. Harry used the distraction to conjure a jar, trap the two entities inside, and threw them out the window. 

Life was good.


End file.
